Letting Go of Someone

'The moment I turned my back, I knew I was never going back.'

'The second I disconnected the call, I knew that it would be the last call between us'

'I didn't finish typing the message, I just let it linger there. A few days later both the message as well as the contact were deleted permanently from my phone'

'It wasn't working. The time had come to move on'

We have all experienced such moments of epiphany in our lives. 'Letting Go' of someone we spent time with (in a personal capacity) is probably both the hardest thing (when we are conscious of what we are about to lose) and the easiest thing in this world (when we know that there's nothing much we could have done to salvage the association). But how do you reach a stage where you do know that letting go is in fact the right thing to do. Here are some questions which might help your thought process.

• Has the relationship changed beyond recognition? If the answer for this question is 'Yes', then you must ask yourself what has been done to rectify and repair the relationship. Any association, friendship or relationship is a two-way street, you cannot expect total commitment when your investment itself is sub-par. So a frank dissection of what went wrong is required in order to understand the change.

• Has the other person changed a lot? This is very similar to the first question. The difference is while the first talks about the change in the nature of the relationship, the second focuses on people themselves and change in their respective behaviors, priorities or engagement. More often than not a change at a personal level triggers an automatic change in a relationship. You can analyze this change through the following questions:
• What caused the change? 
• Are circumstances to be blamed? 
• Can the change be fixed? 
• Can you at least have a no holds barred conversation with the person about the change? 

• Did you miscalculate who the person was in the first place and are only seeing the forest for the trees right now? This is the nuclear bomb that kills all relationships, friendships and associations. Everyone of us resonates with qualities which we admire and aspire for but what if we misjudged or overvalued what we saw in the other person? 
• Then there's the scenario where the person is legit but the qualities they possess lose their appeal over time. For Example: You may love a carefree person but after a point in time, in order to take your relationship to the next level you might want that person to get serious. 

To let go or not let go <Courtesy: Hannah Reding>

• Have your perspectives changed about what's important in life ? Answer to this question could probably answer the above question too. When your association is based on mutual interests or values then the cracks start appearing once the common ground you share changes. The questions to examine in such a scenario are:
• Is there anything else you can connect on?
• Is there a common objective that you can share?
• Are there any activities which will allow you to regularly bond?

• Is there any way forward for you both? Some associations are dead-end streets which start when one or the other concerned parties are going through a certain phase. They quickly become obsolete once that phase passes unless something is done to make the association relevant for the next phase in life. For Example: Some school friendships don't make it to college and some college friendships don't make it to the long road ahead called adult life.  

• What is the toll you are paying to keep this relationship intact? This is the most important question to answer. If an attachment or a bond doesn't bring the best out of you and instead is taking you in an opposite direction, you need to stop and assess the need to keep going. Every relationship has its ups and downs but if frustration and anger are the only residual effects that you are left with, it's necessary to rethink and set things right.

Finally, letting go of someone should never be a frivolous process. Remember, letting go of a quality person will be a cross that will always be too painful to bear. Therefore work with the other person while you work through the above questions. See if they are:

• Receptive to your points
• Eager to make up
• Suffering from something which you didn't quite factor into the equation
• Ignorant of the fact that their behavior was affecting you adversely
• Communicative about what was missing from your end for them to behave the way they did

Correct what was going wrong at your end and if you believe the other party had a legitimate reason give them a chance to rectify it. Don't expect them to make up for everything at one go, set a roadmap for them and guide them as they progress. If you trust the integrity of your relationship give each other multiple chances to falter and then get-up. There are no readymade relationships in this world, the ones which work are those which we make work. So do not let go unless it is the last and only option.

Here's hoping that we are all enriched by mutually fulfilling relationships.

Until Next Time,

Your Student of Relationships,

Chaitanya J.J.